Judge Not Unless They Deserve It

Here is a list of things I will judge you for.  Most of these will be familiar to those of you who work in the restaurant industry.

1. Being a guy and saying "I don't like beer."  Guys like beer.  It's actually more important than liking sports, which is an indisputable, scientific fact.

2. Ordering an expensive steak well done.  You should be ordering something else, because you do not like steak.  It won't be good, and it will make your friends have to wait longer for their dinner.

3. Saying "expresso," mispronouncing the three-letter-word "ask," and spelling "definitely" with an 'a.'

4. Not believing in evolution.  Evolution happened and happens.  It's not up for debate.  When scientists use the word "theory," it means it gives room for corrections based on new data.  It's not like when we colloquially use the word "theory" when we kinda suspect something.  Gravity is a theory too.

5. Putting your food in a pan before you turn the heat on when you cook.  Unless you're rendering fat from bacon, making a stock, or slowly simmering a batch of salsa, you're doing it wrong.  Very wrong.

6. Using the passing lane (IT'S THE FAR LEFT ONE) for anything other than passing.  Please drive into the median.

7. Being REALLY into what I call "Bud Light classic rock."  It's what it sounds like; the music people who drink lots of Bud Light at a party can't wait to listen to.  Springsteen, Journey, Bryan Adams, Bon Jovi, John Mellencamp, Tom Petty, or the song "American Pie" by Don McLean.  We've all heard this music ad nauseum.  All of us.  Every single person at the party.  (side note: Queen does not belong in this category because Queen kicks ass.)

8. Having a problem with your foods touching.  Do you like your salt on the side of your french fries and your marinara sauce on the side of your pasta too?  Age already, weirdo.

9. Saying "we won" when your favorite team wins.  You and your couch had nothing to do with it.  I bet when they lose, you say "they lost."

10. Watching Fox News or MSNBC as if they're actual news.  They're not.  They should be taken with a bag of salt.  It's like watching pro wrestling.  Which is another thing I could add to the list.

More to come, most likely.

Stop Being Weird At Restaurants (Server Peeves)

In any profession, of course, we all discover specific peeves.  Those who aren't "in the know" would likely be blamelessly unaware of these little things that piss us off.  As a restaurant server, you better believe I have plenty of these.

There are some customer behaviors, however, that I really have trouble pinpointing a motive behind.  I'm a person who has trouble understanding how others can be clueless of their surroundings, in particular.  As a good server, I always ask my customers if they have any questions for me.  Now it's my turn to dole out some questions and comments for you, the potential customer, based on strange behaviors that I see on a daily basis.

1. Blocking Me From Giving You Your Food/Drinks:

I did put your menu on the table in front of you, but my intention was that you'd pick it up and look at it.  If your menus, your silverware, and your kids' toys are sprawled all over the table and I come over with your drinks, what are you expecting I'm going to do with them?  Put them on your head?  Pick. Up. Your. Fucking. Menu.  And. Move. It. Out. Of. The. Fucking. Way. If you're going to be such a critic on how well I do my job, it would help if you'd allow me to do my job.

2. Looking Confused At Me When I Come To Your Table:

For this one, I assume it may be a simple case of certain people being socially awkward, and maybe not even realizing that they have a puzzled look on their face as I attempt to take their drink order, ask them if they have questions, or say hello to them.  If this is the case, you should spend more time with your therapist rather than going out to restaurants all day.  If this isn't the case, and you really are puzzled, just remember: you came to me.

3. Not Looking Up At Me At All When I Come To Your Table:

Come on man, throw the ball back.  Don't leave a brother hanging and looking like an idiot, because I'm really not one.  I'm just trying to help you have a good time.  If you don't need anything, you can just say "we're all set," or "we're not ready yet," or anything at all.  I do usually give people a good 5-10 seconds, as I realize they're having engaging conversations and may be quite excited to see each other.  But just have some common courtesy.  My server friend walks away from these tables muttering to herself, "I'll just go fuck myself then..."

4. Ordering Things Not On the Menu:

You've got a wine list right in front of you.  Don't say "I'll have a white zinfandel" if you don't see it on the menu.  Actually, I can't ever think of a legitimate reason to utter those five words.  Sometimes people ask for non-menu items that I can't fault them for.  I work in a restaurant that used to only have an espresso machine, rather than a drip coffee machine.  At brunch (a.k.a. Hell - ask any server), almost every table would say "I'll have a coffee," as coffee is something to be expected at brunch time.  In such cases, I politely pointed them towards the drink list and explained that it's all espresso drinks.  Sometimes, people would reply, "just a regular coffee is fine."  Not to re-hash a cliche phrase, but... did I fucking stutter?

5. Hiding the Fact That You're Ready to Pay:

Check presenters are built with little slots in the top where the credit card pokes out, which signals to your server "I am ready to pay, you may take this check presenter away without seeming like you're rushing me."  If you don't use this, or if you're paying cash and don't show any of that cash sticking out of the top, I will not take your check away.  You need to let me know that you're ready.  Why do you want me to guess?  Do you enjoy the uncomfortable "is this all set, or do you need more time?" conversations?  I don't.

There will probably be another installment of these.