Magic Onion Jerk Marinade

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I mostly keep vegetarian these days.  Every once in a while I'll have meat (if I'm a guest at someone's house, or if I'm having company and want to barbecue, etc.).  As I used to keep a blog dedicated to the art of barbecue, I have learned a thing or two about cooking ribs and chicken and whatnot, and one of my favorite recipes is for jerk chicken drumsticks.


This Jamaican-style jerk marinade can be applied to anything, though it definitely works best with chicken drumsticks.  I can't speak for how authentic it is, having never been to the Caribbean, but I can tell you that my difficult-to-impress brother said it's some of the best chicken he's ever had.  I think part of the key, aside from the specific spices, is in the onion-based marinade.

THE STUFF:

Half of a yellow onion (the big Spanish kind)

Two cloves garlic

1 tsp allspice
1 tsp agave nectar, or honey (or slightly less of white sugar)

1.5 tsp dried thyme

1 tsp peppercorns

1 tsp cumin seeds

1 or 2 habanero peppers or Scotch bonnet peppers

Olive oil
1 tsp salt

Juice of half a lime

WHAT YOU DO WITH THE STUFF:

1. Put dry spices (allspice, peppercorns, thyme, cumin) into a spice grinder and whazz it up, as Jamie Oliver would say.

2. Cut onion, peppers, and garlic into small, food-processor-friendly chunks.  Place them into a food processor.

3. Add spices, lime juice, and a drizzle of olive oil.  Blend it all up until it turns into a sauce-like consistency - use olive oil to thin it out as necessary.

Apply this marinade to raw chicken drumsticks (or whatever you're cookin) and let it sit at least a few hours, preferably overnight.  I recommend smoking the chicken drumsticks on a slightly-higher-than-normal-smoker-heat, like 300-325ish for about 1.5-2 hours, turning them during the halfway point for proper browning and skin crisping.  When they're done, drizzle them with some lime juice mixed with a little bit of agave nectar.  I just recently tried smoking with oak wood, and it was awesome.  Do that.

Noodle Soup

My last post mentioned my Jewish heritage... now it's time to talk about my ASIAN HERITAGE!  Well, I am part Russian, but I guess no one considers that Asian, even though Russia makes up most of the continent.


Anyway, noodle soup is one of my favorite dishes ever.  Most young Americans who hear the phrase "noodle soup" probably think of packaged Top Ramen or Cup O Noodles or some other atrocious tribute to sodium and cholesterol.  A delicious, less-sodiumy, healthy, homemade noodle soup is really not difficult to make though.

Using things like fresh spring onions, garlic, and scallions ups the flavor and health benefit.  Noodle soups could also feature watercress and various other microgreens to add vitamins and minerals to your diet.  Still, no matter what you add, a great noodle soup should really be about the noodles.  For this reason, if you're health conscious, I recommend using soba noodles (soba = Japanese buckwheat, considered a "superfood").


Soba noodles actually have about 8 grams of protein per serving, which is a decent amount for your average person.  If you're about to go work out or if you're coming home from the gym, however, and you want to add a bit more protein, you can always add shrimp or barbecued pork.  Or, to keep vegetarian, use chopped peanuts - this works best if the recipe is altered to a noodle sautee rather than a soup.  Good times.


Anyway, here's how I do a single serving of noodle soup:

INGREDIENTS:

1 bundle soba or udon noodles

1.5 cups vegetable stock

1 clove garlic, minced

1 spring onion, chopped

1/3 tsp chopped ginger

One small, well-chopped Thai chili (optional - makes it REAL hot!)

Handful chopped watercress (optional)

Soy sauce

Fish sauce

Peanut oil

Water

COOKIN':

1.  Fill a small saucepan with water to boil (enough to cover noodles).  Bring to boil.

2.  Toss in noodles for 5 minutes, or as directed on package.

3.  Drain noodles and rinse with cold water to inhibit further cooking.

4. Return saucepan to stove over medium-high heat.  Add about 1 tsp peanut oil.

5. Add garlic and spring onion, let simmer to brown.  If garlic browns too fast, add a dash of stock or water for moisture.

6. Add chili and ginger, plus about 1 tsp soy sauce.  Add literally only a drop or two of fish sauce.  Let everything bubble a bit for 30 seconds or so.

7. Add stock and chopped watercress.  Let soup heat up until lightly bubbling.

8. Toss in noodles, stirring to reheat them through.  Serve up in a big freakin' bowl.

**FOR A THAI TWIST:  Replace watercress with chopped fresh basil, and squeeze in the juice from a lime wedge.  Thai food rules.  


This recipe can also be altered for a sauteed noodle dish - just skip the vegetable stock, and use some sake or vermouth as a de-glazing agent!  Add chopped peanuts for added protein.

Dill Pickles

Maybe part of my Jewish heritage did actually come through, aside from my nose.  I love Chinese food, like any good American Jew, I like sandwiches with spicy brown mustard, and I @#$@% LOVE DILL PICKLES.

Probably should have blurred out "Ba-Tampte" logo.  These are indeed my own pickles.  Your best bet, however, is to buy yourself some good Mason-style jars.

Making pickles at home isn't really as hard as you might think, if you're doing "quick pickles."  These are basically just cucumbers (or other veg) that are soaked in a vinegary brine and put in the fridge for several days until at their peak.  On the other hand, making real deal fermented pickles is a bit of a project; you need canning materials, you need precise measurements, and you need time.


Here's how I do a batch of quick dill pickles.  Rather than pouring a boiling hot brine over cucumbers in a jar, I dip the cucumbers in hot water to clean them, then fill the jar with a cold brine - credit goes to one of the cooks at my restaurant for that tip!  This recipe goes by the jar (about four small cucumbers).  A large jar with a tightly sealing lid is essential.

Equipment:

One jar + lid

Tongs

Ice bath (large metal bowl filled with ice and water)

A clean saucepan filled halfway with water

Measuring cup

Pickle Stuff:

Four pickling cucumbers (smaller sized, with a bumpy, thick-ish skin)

Full tablespoon of pickling salt (or you can be like me and just use Kosher salt)

Cold water

Cheap white vinegar (trust me, don't use any other type)

A few peppercorns

A few allspice cloves

A sprig of dill, rinsed

One small garlic clove, coarse chopped or lightly smacked

1/2 tsp mustard seeds

One bay leaf torn into a few pieces

A tiny dash of sugar (1/4 tsp) or a dash of agave nectar

Process:

1. Chop the tips off of cucumbers on both sides.  Cut into desired shape (spears, halves, chips).

2. Start bringing water in saucepan to a boil. Once rapidly boiling, bring heat down a bit just to keep it bubbling.

3. Using tongs, place jar and lid into water for a couple minutes to sanitize.

4. Remove jar and lid, using tongs, and place onto a counter to cool.

5. Pour salt, dill, sugar, garlic, and spices into jar.  Spoon a bit of hot water into the jar to dissolve salt.

6. Mix 2/5 vinegar to 3/5 cold water in a measuring cup - enough to fill about 1/4 of the jar.  Pour this mixture into the jar.

7. Take cucumber pieces, and gently drop into bubbling hot water.  Let them sit for about 30 seconds, to kill any bacteria.

8. Using tongs, remove cucumbers and place into ice bath.  Swirl 'em around to chill 'em.

9. Place all cucumbers into jar.

10. Using your best estimate, mix 2/5 vinegar to 3/5 cold water again into measuring cup, so that it's enough to fill the jar to the top, covering all cucumber pieces.

11. Tightly seal the lid and, standing over the sink, hold the jar upside down to allow salt and spices to mix, then bring back right-side up.

12.  Store pickles in fridge.  They'll taste best after about one week.

The Low-Carb Bread Generation

America has a diet problem, which is no secret.  We've all read and listened to the reasons why, regarding our sedentary lifestyles and traditions of over-consumption.  And of course, there are those who have certain health conditions which stunt metabolism, etc. etc.  My question is: does mainstream America tackle these issues correctly?  Are weird diets the answer?  Is low-carb bread the answer?


No.  Bread is a carbohydrate-based product, so what the hell is low-carb bread made out of?  Air?  Granted, I am a relatively thin Atkins-hating person who loves bread and pasta.  This makes me a target for people who have issues losing weight: "Easy for you to say, Nick!"  I get it.  But, I can't even count how often most of these people neglect to eat REAL FOOD.  Which, of course, would require COOKING REAL FOOD.  As in, buying vegetables and cheeses and breads and meats and cooking them, rather than just opening a can with the word "Diet" stamped on it, or throwing a plastic pouch of nothing in the microwave.


One of the biggest problems, as I see it, is that a great majority of foods consumed in modern western civilization (okay, mostly just America) are synthesized, processed, and have a list of ingredients that could fill an encyclopedia.  Imagine how hard our bodies have to work to break down all those ingredients and preservatives and chemicals.


Another problem is American body image.  Just because someone isn't rail thin does not mean they aren't in good health.  If your body has a certain frame, you might not be meant to be rail thin even if you're in great health.  You don't need to be a freaky Calvin Klein model.  Yes, the modeling industry prefers to hire girls whose ribs jut through their T-shirts, but I will guarantee that most normal, straight guys are attracted to girls with some more curve to them.


Getting back to the point... our bodies are designed to process foods as they come from the earth.  Overcooked and over-processed foods are a phenomenon of our civilization, not a phenomenon that occurs in nature.


That being said, there are good things that don't occur in "nature" (and vice versa, of course).  Synthesized medicine doesn't occur in nature.  Would I advise a person not to ever take medicine?  Of course not - that's idiotic.  On the other hand, would I advise someone to pop pills all day long?  No, but I think that makes a reasonable analogy for American food consumption.  Even I don't have the patience to eat raw, organic superfoods all day long.  Still, I sure as hell wouldn't avoid them completely and eat nothing but processed, empty calorie garbage (even if it is low-calorie "Diet" garbage).

Multi-grain bread image from www.saidaonline.com

Maybe the answer to a healthy lifestyle, and to weight loss, is not low-carb bread.  Maybe it's whole wheat and mult-grain bread, made the real way, with carbs intact.  Perhaps the best thing to do is eat complex carbohydrate foods earlier in the day, or before physical activity.  It's possible that the best thing to do after eating a meal is anything but watching TV or taking a nap.


Obviously I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist.  So if you talk to either of them, by all means, ask them what they think.  See if they disagree with what I say.  And eat some real damn bread.

Tomato Enchilada Sauce: The Mexican Marinara

Here's how to translate that previous recipe into a Mexican spiced sauce, perfect for cheese enchiladas.


YOU WILL NEED:
One 14 oz can of organic tomatoes (diced or whatever, you'll blend them anyway)
One 6 oz can plain tomato sauce
One hot chili of your liking
Three cloves garlic
1 tsp red wine vinegar
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp paprika
1 heaped tsp oregano
1/2 tsp agave nectar
Pinch of hot smoked paprika (or blend of cayenne and regular smoked paprika)


WHAT YOU'LL DO
1. Pour diced tomatoes into a food processor with garlic and chili pepper.  Blend until fairly smooth.
2. Pour mixture into a saucepan, on medium heat.
3. Add everything else.
4. Simmer for a while, reducing the heat after it starts bubbling.  Let it go for a good 20 minutes to tame the raw garlic.
5. Use for enchiladas.

I like to take non-hard corn tortillas, soften them in the microwave for a minute, then just roll them all up around a small amount of cheese (sharp cheddar or pepperjack are pretty classic, though I bet goat cheese with pine nuts or something would be really kickass).  


Smear some olive oil in a pan, lay down each roll so they're not too much up against each other, and drizzle a bit more olive oil ontop.  


Bake at 375 for about 10-15 minutes, just until cheese is melted and tortillas get crisped.  


When ready to serve, take three or four enchiladas in a dish, and generously pour sauce over them.  Wait a few minutes to serve so that the sauce lightly softens the crunchy tortillas.  They should be pleasantly crisp but soft enough to cut easily.

How To Make Delicious Pasta Sauce in Twenty Minutes

That antiquated scene of grandma simmering tomato sauce on the back of the stove for six hours is cute and all, but if you're not starting with perfectly ripened tomatoes from your garden, there's no need to spend all day on sauce.  Find a good brand of organic crushed tomatoes, or tomatoes labeled "San Marzano" (which is a region, not a brand), plus a few choice herbs and spices - you'll be good to go.


Here's how I do a batch:


INGREDIENTS:
Two 28 oz. cans crushed tomatoes
Three cloves fresh minced garlic
One tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
Olive oil
A dash of red pepper flakes (to taste)
About half a cup fine chopped parsley (or parsley/basil mix)
Handful of grated Pecorino Romano


STEPS:
1. Put saucepan just above medium heat.
2. Drizzle in a shallow layer of olive oil, throw in garlic and red pepper flakes.  Simmer until garlic is just starting to turn golden and aromatic (not brown and burnt!).
3. Pour in crushed tomatoes, plus salt, black pepper, and parsley.
4. Once bubbling, reduce heat to simmer.  Let it go for about ten minutes, stirring occasionally.
5. Turn heat off, add Pecorino Romano, stir up.  Serve with SPAGETT!

Vince's Wedding

On Saturday, my very good friends Vince and Meg got married in upstate NY.  It was a fantastic weekend.  And I confess, I was grumbling about it before I went up.  I wasn't really looking forward to being a groomsman again, for various reasons.  Somehow, though, I had a great time... you win, Vince!


Tuxedos.  I've never been a fan.  Suits look good; tuxedos look penguiny.  People get to keep suits; people usually have to rent tuxes.  Gotta admit though, Meg did a damn good job picking out classy looking tuxes, with silvery-grey ties and vests.


Long religious ceremonies.  Not my thing.  Still, the wedding was beautiful, and it was an honor to be standing alongside my friends as they took the plunge.  And it was funny as hell sitting with my other groomsmen friends as three of them kept flasks of bourbon in their tux pockets throughout the day.

Face yellowed for anonymity.  Maybe I should have picked another color.

Long drives.  Frustrating as hell.  Despite the drive being about 6.5 hours, it was actually pretty easy and mostly traffic-free.  Having Lauryn in the car made it go by pleasantly.  On the way home, we listened to all the Symphony X albums I have; she doesn't like all of my crazy music, but she seems to like them.


An extra day between the rehearsal dinner and the wedding.  More money to spend and more time to ask off from work.  In all honesty though, I'm glad they did it.  I was able to see my friends more, I was able to spend more time with Lauryn in an awesome hotel, and that extra day happened to be sunny and perfect for hanging outside at a local park.


Having members of the wedding party separated from their dates.  That pissed me off, at first.  After the wedding, we went to do pictures while our dates were essentially in limbo.  Turns out, Lauryn and a couple of the other guys' girlfriends hung out at the hotel bar having drinks and becoming better acquainted.  Well done.  But then we were at separate tables at dinner.  I was not happy about that... at first.  But, I gotta admit, it was cool to be at a long VIP-style table elevated on a platform.  I felt like I was at a roast or something.  And I was able to get up at my leisure to see Lauryn.


The lesson is, sometimes friends annoy you or let you down... but have faith in Vince.  Good old Vince.

On White Ales

Up until a year or two ago, I was convinced that I didn't like any type of wheat beer: hefeweizen, Berliner-weiss, white ale, weizenbock, you name it.  Recently, I've grown to like wheat beers quite a lot actually.  In the summer time, I particularly like white ales... 


Now let me ask a question: What beer are you thinking of right now as I say the phrase "Belgian White Ale"?


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Don't look down there, I'm giving you time to think...
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Blue Moon, right?  Everyone knows Blue Moon "Belgian" White Ale.  Well, how about that.  The only white ale that most Americans even know exists just so happens to be the second lamest one (the lamest one, in my opinion, being Shock Top, which is also a popular one).  And why does everyone only know about the two lamest ones?  Because one of them (Blue Moon) is made by Coors Brewing Company and the other one (Shock Top) is made by Anheuser-Busch.


Marketing has allowed craft breweries and shit breweries alike to describe a beer as being from a particular country even if it's not, just because it pertains to a particular style borne from said country.  That's fine by me, as long as they're doing justice to these traditional styles.  Blue Moon does not do much justice to the style of Belgian white ale, in my opinion.  And no everyone, it's not actually a Belgian beer... it's a bastardized version of a "Belgian-style" beer - the white ale, or witbier.  There are  better ones out there.


Anyone ever hear of Wittekerke white ale?  That one's actually from Belgium, and it's pretty decent.  Hoegaarden, another very good white ale, is actually from Belgium too; fortunately, it happens to be reasonably popular.  Unfortunately, it was bought by Anheuser-Busch InBev in 2005.

Southampton "Double White" ale is an American take on the style, and gets an A- rating from Beer Advocate.  That's a damn good rating for a white ale, which honestly is a style that is somewhat shrugged off amidst beer snobbery.  The same score is given to Allagash White Ale, another American beer brewed in the Belgian style.  Ommegang "Witte" was given a B+ rating, which is also quite good.  New York's Ommegang brewery specializes in flavorful, authentic Belgian-style beers.


So what should a good white ale taste like?  Crisp and refreshing, with a pronounced bready/yeasty kick, a lemon/citrus tang, and often a bit of herbal flavor (almost chamomile-like even).  Not usually particularly hoppy.  Traditional white ales, by definition, are light-malt wheat beers brewed with some orange zest and coriander.


American craft breweries are fantastic artisans; don't let the massive macro-breweries tarnish the phrase "American beer" for you.  This summer, try some of the better white ales out there.

Image taken from http://beertalking.wordpress.com/2008/09/07/

On Sports Fanaticism

Having never been the competitive type, I've never gotten that into sports myself.  Still, I think they're a great form of exercise and recreation, and they're great in teaching kids cooperation, coordination, and all kinds of other skills.

But why do people go so nuts over professional sports teams?  Why do sports fans act as though they passionately HATE every member of every team other than their own arbitrarily chosen favorite?  In fact, why does anyone care who wins any game ever?

Perhaps a person's family all loves the Jets.  OK... Who the hell cares? Does that person listen to the same music as their parents do too?

Maybe someone loves the Yankees because they're born and raised in New York.  Yet, that person will probably tell you that they hate the Mets.  Not to mention, the players could be hired from anywhere in the United States.

Do the Mets have a different "style" than the Yankees?  I kind of doubt it.  I think both their styles are "play baseball very well."

Of course, Mets and Yankees fans will all agree that both teams are better than the Red Sox.  What about in 2004 when the Red Sox won the World Series?  Did all the Mets and Yankees fans say, "well clearly the Red Sox were better this year, so I like them now"?  Nope.  Clearly, all professional baseball teams have very skilled baseball players.

Let's say a citizen of Brazil goes raving mad over the results of an Olympic soccer game (which would probably happen regardless of whether Brazil won or lost, for some reason).  Does that team kicking around a ball, competing against a handful of people kicking from another country trying to take the ball away to kick it in another direction, really represent Brazil and its pride/masculinity?

OK, is it whoever's uniform looks the coolest?

Do most of us have friends on any professional team?

Are girls picking whichever team they think has the hawttest guyz?

Are dudes picking whichever team they secretly think has the hawttest guyz?

The only reason I can think of to even remotely give a shit who wins or loses any professional sports game EVER is if I get a share of a team member's yearly salary.  And the only reason professional football and baseball players "earn" millions of dollars a year from a job description like Going Outside to Play is because fans actually accept to pay hundreds of dollars for front row tickets and 13 dollars for a hot dog and a cup of cheap piss beer.  To watch grown men go outside and play.  Even if I was into sports, I think I'd boycott it based on price alone.

Voice Acting

For as long as I can recall, I've always been drawn toward sound.  My mother tells me that when I was a child as young as 3, I would sing along to records (yes, we had actual record players, and no I'm not that old) and actually be on key.


Every child is asked what they want to be when they grow up.  At 26, I ask myself that question more frequently and more seriously now than I ever did in the past.  Well, I don't believe everyone can achieve their dream job; quite frankly, society wouldn't allow it.  A character from the1999  movie Office Space posed a relevant question to his friends: If you had a million dollars and could do whatever you want every day, what would you do (implying that this should be your career path)?  David Herman's character, comically named Michael Bolton, said, "there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean up shit if they had a million dollars."


If my fate was not to clean shit up, and I could have any dream job, I would be a voice actor.  Watching and listening to videos of Dan Castellaneta, Harry Shearer, Nancy Cartwright, and Hank Azaria (the chief voice actors of The Simpsons) and Billy West, Tress MacNeille, and Maurie LaMarche (all of whom do multiple voices for Futurama) is inspiring to me.

Billy West

Futurama's Billy West is a particular "voice-hero" of mine.  On the show, he voices Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Doctor Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan, and others here and there.  In the past, he has voiced Ren and Stimpy, "Doug," Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Woody Woodpecker, Popeye, the red M&M, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee, and more (to anyone dumb enough to think so: no, he was not the original Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, etc.).


A voice I learned over the past couple years is one that I call the "throat singing voice," or "kargyraa voice."  It is one that I learned from watching Tuvan/Mongolian throat singers.  Once I figured out how to replicate it (on a VERY BASIC level), I discovered I could imitate the voice of a metal vocalist named Olve Eikemo (a.k.a. "Abbath") from the Norwegian band Immortal, who has such a deep voice, it sounds nearly frog-like.  I've even employed this technique a bit in my own metal project Strix Nebulosa.  After watching videos and interviews with Billy West, I discovered that Tuvan throat singing was the inspiration for his teaching himself Popeye's voice.

Kargyraa Throat Singing

Granted, every job on earth has its annoying aspects.  I don't believe there is such thing as a completely easy, cushy job.  Still, I cannot quite imagine what a bad day is like in a voice acting studio.  Getting a sore throat?  Repeating things over and over?  Maybe getting yelled at by a director for misinterpreting his "vision"?


From what I've been told, saying "I want to be a successful voice actor" is very much like saying "I want to be a movie star."  It's just not something that happens a lot.  I can think of two people I've talked to who have done voice acting - one of them did one radio commercial, the other one gets voice acting work every once in a blue moon.  Like film acting, steady work comes as a comprehensive resume is built, as good press is accumulated, and as an actor's name is well-marketed.


Most voice actors are theatrically trained, vocally trained, or both.  I am neither.  Since I wish to make more music in my life anyway, I believe it might be time to get some vocal training once I can afford it.


So kids, here's the moral of the story: if you're going to be a janitor some day, there's nothing wrong with that.  The world needs you.  However, you can still follow your dream at least on some level.

On Alcohol Regulation

Whoever it was in America who decided to set the legal drinking age to 21: thank you for making my life as a restaurant employee unnecessarily complicated.  A few years of age does not, never has, and never will determine responsibility.


Establishing taboo appeal for alcohol does not diminish alcohol-related injuries, car accidents, fights, and so forth.  We make a very big deal about alcohol in our country.  There is little tolerance for underage drinking (with certain legal allowances given to parents if they wish to serve beer or wine to their young adult sons or daughters), and parties involving minors are often busted by law enforcement.  


I have personally witnessed, in my high school days, a party being broken up by the police, at which point many attendants ran to their cars (presumably intoxicated) to get away.  Yes, this means they could have gotten into an accident and killed someone.  In the eyes of these then-youths, the imminent risk was an arrest, a loss of respect from the community, and a strained relationship with their parents once they found out their son or daughter was going out to parties drinking.  The risks involved with driving under the influence were completely diminished by such a surge of anxiety.


What needs to change in America is our attitude towards alcohol.  Whether we let them or not, minors will find a way to get their hands on alcoholic beverages.  A better society would teach them respect for these beverages, rather than make them enticingly taboo.

Craft beer helps control alcohol abuse - it's not common to slam down ten of these!
(Beer pictured is Brooklyn Blast, a rarely available double IPA)

Beer and wine (and mead) are some of the oldest, most historically and culturally relevant beverages in the world.  Respectable brewers and vintners invest huge amounts time, money, and love in fine-tuning their craft; too much for society to lump it into the same "big bad alcoholic beverages" category in which we place Natty Light and cheap vodka.  Respect for quality will help breed healthy attitudes in all aspects of life, including alcohol consumption.


If you haven't ever worked in a bar or restaurant, you may not realize how uptight bartenders, servers, managers, and restaurant owners have to be about making sure they don't serve to minors.  Do you know how you can tell a fake ID?  Do you know how you would handle yourself if you suspected someone who ordered an alcoholic beverage to be underage?  Well, there's sure not much of a way out of insulting them or pissing them off if you're wrong.  Still, I have to be a complete hard-ass regarding this topic, under threats of lawsuits, fines, and termination of employment/business.


So, all of that being said, if you are a minor planning on using a fake ID, don't go into my restaurant.  Let someone else deal with you until the laws change.  Sorry.




What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
-Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons

Strix Nebulosa: Yay For Metal!

Ladies and gentlemen, in the next month or two, be on the lookout for the debut EP from my music project Strix Nebulosa.


Here's the scoop: very dark metal music (much of it very doom-metal-like) with lyrics all about the supernatural and the unknown and all that kind of stuff'n'nonsense.  CD will be six songs, around a half hour in length, and probably sold through me, through my fellow guitarist Nick, through Amazon, probably through eBay, and wherever else I can sell it, for five bucks.  Maybe iTunes if I can make that happen.


Currently, the project is strictly CD-only; it's not a band.  Getting the word out will be difficult due to a lack of live performances, but we will be posting one full song online for everyone to hear called "Asylum Wanderer."


Strix Nebulosa is:
Nick Doniger - guitar, lyrics/vocals
Nick Luzzi - guitar


Session drums and bass by Gary Marotta (Xenosis, ex-Nethereal)
Session keys by Kyle Lovely (ex-Shattersphere)
Recorded and mixed by Gary Marotta and Strix Nebulosa at Meter Storm Studios
Mastered by Gary Marotta at Meter Storm Studios

If You Can't Take the Heat

I've started a new job (career?) in a brand-ass new restaurant.  Tonight was our first "test run," in which the staff invited guests to come dine for free, just so we could all figure the place out.


So, seeing a menu, wine list, beer list, etc. about a half hour before we started may have made me a bit anxiety-ridden.  Perhaps coupling that little doozy of a factoid with the fact that we didn't have a POS system made it worse, seeing as how hand-writing everyone's orders and delivering them to the kitchen (which is behind the door at the patio) and to the bar (which is in a New York zip code) even intimidated the veteran servers.  Perhaps the fact that I was not a veteran server, but a brand-ass new server in a brand-ass new restaurant, also made it a bit worse.


Apparently, I still did well, according to the guests.  I was friendly and humorous, I refilled everyone's drinks, I let everyone know when the kitchen was held up.


However, I did occasionally forget what I should take off the table and when, or forget to tell some people about drink specials, etc.  I wasn't perfect.


My biggest flaw, I believe, was in the fact that I am not particularly good at holding several plates at once.  Never really practiced it before - I am brand-ass new.  If any of you know me, and have ever seen what my hands look like - they're not very big.  In fact, I'm not 100% sure I'm very capable of holding several plates at once.

magic floating plates wtf???

Still, the expectation is that I can bring out four salads at a time.  I sure hope I'll be able to get comfortable with that, but I'm not holding my breath.


Any of you ever meet someone who tries to show you how to do something, who just gets repeatedly frustrated with you as you truly believe in your heart that you're mimicking exactly what he/she does?  Obviously not something they picked up in a business management class.  But hey, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen right?


Here's a snippet of a minor confrontation, during being told how to hold four salad plates at once:


"Hold your hand like this" ::makes gesture::
::server looks at dude's hand, mimics exactly::
"No no no...." ::frustrated grumbling:: "You're getting too nervous, your hands are shaking."


Hey, thanks, glad you pointed that out!  Now can you continue telling me how to position my thumb 1.734 inches away from my other fingers so I can balance lots of salad plates?  I figure now is a perfect time to do so, since you've learned the secret of diffusing my nervousness: pointing it out, of course.  Not to mention, no frantic crowds of people are trying to work near us or walk past us, and the kitchen is a spacious fortress of serenity.  So yes, now is the perfect time, not later.  It would be silly of me to just bring two salads out, then two more and be fine.


I keep watching the bartenders, and I know that's where I can shine.  My entire job history consists of making drinks faster than everyone else.  I will get myself behind that bar.


Image from http://www.insatiable-critic.com/Article.aspx?id=699

On The Passing of Friends

This post will not be witty or fun.


Perhaps a selfish statement considering the subject matter, but for a 26-year old, I've been to way too many funerals and wakes.  At least four in the past year.  Most of them for people who were taken away before it really should have been their time.


Rest In Peace Paul Louis Altieri
1987-2011

On Vegetarianism

Very recently, I've lodged myself into one of the lesser-known categories of people who eat certain stuff known as "semivegetarian."  My girlfriend Lauryn is going vegan.  Pretty weird for any of you who used to follow my barbecue blog.  Neither of us have really been broadcasting it to the world (aside from me writing this post now), but we both do it for health reasons and ethical reasons.


Health reasons are obvious.  In a society where an extraordinary variety of food is constantly abundant, humans don't really have the need to have a meat-based diet anymore as we probably did early in our evolution.  In fact, most people long ago probably were only able to get meat a few times a year anyway, as it was either expensive or required skilled hunting.  Doctors and nutritionists will even tell you that meat is actually digested VERY slowly in the human system, and that the protein from meat isn't even absorbed as well as plant protein sources.


With plant-based (or milk-based, if you're non-vegan like me) proteins being efficient and easy to get, the only drawback to a vegetarian or vegan diet is getting B-12 vitamins.  However, modern technology makes it easy to find those in supplement form.  


Getting protein, calcium (for vegans), iron, and B-vitamins is not that big of a deal as long as you do some minimal research before undertaking a vegetarian diet.  People who jump into these kinds of things without knowing what they're doing are making a mistake.  Additionally, people who think "I'll lose weight if I go vegetarian" and then end up eating processed frozen dinners, simple carbs, and lots of cheese and fat are not going to lose weight.  There are overweight vegetarians out there.


My ethical dilemma with eating meat is the most basic of meat-related ethical dilemmas: I love animals.  I mean, I really love animals a lot.  I have always felt that I really bond well with animals, and I really respect them.  Even when I was eating meat on a regular basis, I always had that conflicting nag in the back of my mind.  As mentioned before, since humans don't truly have a dietary need to eat meat anymore, I began to wonder "why is my sense of taste outweighing my immense respect for animals?"


People are not going to give up meat - at least not anytime in the next hundred years.  What needs to be changed is the meat industry, people's views, and the respect for animals that has been abandoned.  My uncle has been hunting deer all his life, and no one I've ever met has the kind of respect for nature he has.  It's almost Native American of him.  


We respect our dogs and our cats, who are mammals just like pigs and cows.  Some cultures don't have that same respect for dogs and cats, which enrages and disgusts us as Westerners.  That's probably how people in India, where cows are considered sacred, feel about our beef consumption.  I offer no clear answer about who is right and who is wrong - I simply am giving the reader something to ponder, in case they've never pondered it before.


No matter who you are or what you believe, one thing that I will not be compromising about is that the quantity of meat consumed in Western society is unnecessary and outrageous.  There is no reason to slaughter thousands of animals PER DAY just to make Slim Jims and Pupperoni Sticks.  


If people will continue purchasing meat, which they will, it needs to be from sources other than Purdue and Smithfield.  Quite frankly, there's no reason for the flesh of an animal to cost $1.50 per pound unless there's something horribly wrong with it, in which case it should not be consumed.


It's not only the United States either - many South American cultures  produce and consume ridiculous quantities of beef.  Of course, I am not quite sure about the state of the meat industries down there, but I can't imagine they're much better than here.  If cattle-raisers, slaughter houses, butchers, and grocery stores are to keep up with consumer demand, there's no way in hell they can possibly get access to the amount of land and resources needed to raise cattle in an ethical way.  People's views need to change in order for demand to change.


Most vegetarians and vegans will tell you about books they've read and videos they've seen where live cows are shoved by bulldozers and chickens are force-fed until they can no longer stand on their own weight.  Those aren't untrue stories.  Those things happen.  There are readily available video clips of such things - I've seen them, and anyone who searches for them can see them.  Often, people who hear these stories from vegetarian friends just react with a sort of defense mechanism - either using the old "yeah, but it sure is delicious!" avoidance humor, or the "come on, I don't want to hear about that!" denial routine.


Regardless of whether or not you would ever consider becoming vegetarian, I ask that you just don't trivialize it.  It's not really a joke.  Being vegetarian literally hurts no one - granted, there may be a few militant vegan weirdos out there, but there are militant weirdos in every group of people.  Just respect people, that's all.  


And yes, vegetarians and vegans - you also need to respect everyone else if you have any interest in winning them over or at least keeping their respect.


All of this being said, I mentioned at the beginning of my post that I am "semivegetarian."  This means I might eat meat once in a while ("after everything you just wrote???!!!").  Even my recently-vegan girlfriend has mentioned that she might do so on very rare occasions.


For one thing, I am starting a job as a restaurant server in Sandy Hook, CT.  My job will include trying to convince people to buy expensive, dry-aged steaks.  Full of iron and irony.  This is one of the reasons that, outside of this blog post, I am not broadcasting my vegetarianism heavily.  I know that I belong in the restaurant industry, so hypocrisy is a given for me.


If I am a guest at someone's house, I will eat what they serve me; it's rude not to.  I have a couple weddings to go to before this year is over, and I'm not gonna turn down meat dishes that are offered to me only to have them get thrown in the trash.


If there is meat in my freezer that has been purchased before I recently changed my dietary lifestyle, I will prepare and eat it; to me, the most unethical thing a person can do is throw out meat.  An animal did die for that (and at least then my passion for barbecue can fade gradually instead of coming to a screeching halt).


And additionally, if every once in a while I am able to purchase meat from an actual organic farm, I just might.  Like I said, my biggest problem is with the mistreatment of animals in the meat 'industry' - not with small farm owners who sell a bit of meat here and there.


I'm not going to post an adorable picture of happy piglets playing with puppy dogs in a pathetic attempt to be manipulative, just as I don't want people calling me an obnoxious hippie or something (I am very not-hippie).  I just wish to explain my rationale and be taken seriously.

Image taken from http://www.koobros.org/malaysia/the-servant-vegetarian-restaurant-kuching.htm

Windmills

In case any of you do not watch it, or started to watch it when it first came out in the late '90s and thought to yourself "This isn't The Simpsons, so I'm not gonna watch it anymore," you should really watch Futurama.  And no, it's not The Simpsons.  It's Futurama.  Both created by Matt Groening, and both indeed the wittiest shows ever created, but both very different.  Best social satire ever.

How Not To Get Decaf Coffee Somewhere When You Order Regular Coffee

Coffee is important to me.  As a former barista of 5+ years, I would never deprive someone of glorious caffeine as requested.  However, a more spiteful barista may do so.  Even some restaurants might.


Here's how to get regular coffee at a cafe or restaurant - in fact, here's how to get excellent service in general.


DON'T BE A WEIRD ASSHOLE.

People make a lot of dumb comments and ask a lot of dumb questions of people in the food service industry, and subsequently become indignant about their dumb comments and questions when they don't receive the answer or response they were looking for.  I've seen it a lot, despite the fact that I have an uncanny nack for "saving face" in a situation where someone might otherwise feel like an idiot.


If you have a severe lack of social skills, please stay home and do not attempt to communicate with other human beings.  Especially not while they're at work.  At least be apologetic about it if you do.


When you go to a cafe, the barista in front of you is at work.  Doesn't that suck?  If you're starting an unnecessary fight with a restaurant server, bartender, barista, or even a cashier somewhere, it's because you know they can't fight back.  Maybe you're not consciously thinking about that, but that is why you're starting a fight with them.  Their employment depends on their restraint from fighting back.


However, some of them might slip you some decaf coffee without your knowledge.


On the other hand, those who are capable of ordering normal things on a menu without trying to convince someone who's trying to do their job to charge you less money, and those who know how to speak properly, and those who leave decent tips... they all get preferential treatment when they return to a restaurant.  Maybe even a free drink now and then.  Sounds like the best option to me.

Who Are You, Why Are You Here, and Who Cares?

I'm Nick.  As my About Me mentions, I am very into metal and craft beer, and I currently live in CT with my parents - I know ladies, I know... but sorry, I am taken.  I've had a few previous blogs, such as a culinary blog called Sizzle Grove, which I hadn't kept up after six or seven months.  That's a less likely fate for this blog, but I suppose you never know.


I Always Feel Smart in the Shower will be a shameless channel of self expression.  Having had a pretty long hiatus from any sort of writing, I wanted to start a blog where I could be limitless.  I might be funny, I might be serious, I might be full of advice - probably mostly related to cooking or beer or something else I have knowledge about.  "Personal" advice doled out by an online blogger or someone who doesn't know you as well as you know yourself is best left ignored (excluding this piece of advice).  For you, this blog could be very entertaining and even useful.  For me, it may prove therapeutic.  If a lot of people read it, for me it could also earn me a few bucks.  Sweet.


Here is who will care: people who know me, people who are very bored, people who are very lazy, and people who are very lonely.  Chances are, even if you do know me, you're bored and/or lonely if you're reading my blog.  I know I don't care to read every stupid little thing my friends write on Facebook, so it seems strange anyone would read what's essentially an entire Nickcentric website devoted to massive status updates.  I'd be pleased if you do anyway, though I'm sorry to hear that you're bored and lonely.


Now that I've done a fairly hack job as a salesman for I Always Feel Smart in the Shower, thanks for reading!  Enjoy this picture of noodle soup.

-Nick