Judge Not Unless They Deserve It

Here is a list of things I will judge you for.  Most of these will be familiar to those of you who work in the restaurant industry.

1. Being a guy and saying "I don't like beer."  Guys like beer.  It's actually more important than liking sports, which is an indisputable, scientific fact.

2. Ordering an expensive steak well done.  You should be ordering something else, because you do not like steak.  It won't be good, and it will make your friends have to wait longer for their dinner.

3. Saying "expresso," mispronouncing the three-letter-word "ask," and spelling "definitely" with an 'a.'

4. Not believing in evolution.  Evolution happened and happens.  It's not up for debate.  When scientists use the word "theory," it means it gives room for corrections based on new data.  It's not like when we colloquially use the word "theory" when we kinda suspect something.  Gravity is a theory too.

5. Putting your food in a pan before you turn the heat on when you cook.  Unless you're rendering fat from bacon, making a stock, or slowly simmering a batch of salsa, you're doing it wrong.  Very wrong.

6. Using the passing lane (IT'S THE FAR LEFT ONE) for anything other than passing.  Please drive into the median.

7. Being REALLY into what I call "Bud Light classic rock."  It's what it sounds like; the music people who drink lots of Bud Light at a party can't wait to listen to.  Springsteen, Journey, Bryan Adams, Bon Jovi, John Mellencamp, Tom Petty, or the song "American Pie" by Don McLean.  We've all heard this music ad nauseum.  All of us.  Every single person at the party.  (side note: Queen does not belong in this category because Queen kicks ass.)

8. Having a problem with your foods touching.  Do you like your salt on the side of your french fries and your marinara sauce on the side of your pasta too?  Age already, weirdo.

9. Saying "we won" when your favorite team wins.  You and your couch had nothing to do with it.  I bet when they lose, you say "they lost."

10. Watching Fox News or MSNBC as if they're actual news.  They're not.  They should be taken with a bag of salt.  It's like watching pro wrestling.  Which is another thing I could add to the list.

More to come, most likely.

Stop Being Weird At Restaurants (Server Peeves)

In any profession, of course, we all discover specific peeves.  Those who aren't "in the know" would likely be blamelessly unaware of these little things that piss us off.  As a restaurant server, you better believe I have plenty of these.

There are some customer behaviors, however, that I really have trouble pinpointing a motive behind.  I'm a person who has trouble understanding how others can be clueless of their surroundings, in particular.  As a good server, I always ask my customers if they have any questions for me.  Now it's my turn to dole out some questions and comments for you, the potential customer, based on strange behaviors that I see on a daily basis.

1. Blocking Me From Giving You Your Food/Drinks:

I did put your menu on the table in front of you, but my intention was that you'd pick it up and look at it.  If your menus, your silverware, and your kids' toys are sprawled all over the table and I come over with your drinks, what are you expecting I'm going to do with them?  Put them on your head?  Pick. Up. Your. Fucking. Menu.  And. Move. It. Out. Of. The. Fucking. Way. If you're going to be such a critic on how well I do my job, it would help if you'd allow me to do my job.

2. Looking Confused At Me When I Come To Your Table:

For this one, I assume it may be a simple case of certain people being socially awkward, and maybe not even realizing that they have a puzzled look on their face as I attempt to take their drink order, ask them if they have questions, or say hello to them.  If this is the case, you should spend more time with your therapist rather than going out to restaurants all day.  If this isn't the case, and you really are puzzled, just remember: you came to me.

3. Not Looking Up At Me At All When I Come To Your Table:

Come on man, throw the ball back.  Don't leave a brother hanging and looking like an idiot, because I'm really not one.  I'm just trying to help you have a good time.  If you don't need anything, you can just say "we're all set," or "we're not ready yet," or anything at all.  I do usually give people a good 5-10 seconds, as I realize they're having engaging conversations and may be quite excited to see each other.  But just have some common courtesy.  My server friend walks away from these tables muttering to herself, "I'll just go fuck myself then..."

4. Ordering Things Not On the Menu:

You've got a wine list right in front of you.  Don't say "I'll have a white zinfandel" if you don't see it on the menu.  Actually, I can't ever think of a legitimate reason to utter those five words.  Sometimes people ask for non-menu items that I can't fault them for.  I work in a restaurant that used to only have an espresso machine, rather than a drip coffee machine.  At brunch (a.k.a. Hell - ask any server), almost every table would say "I'll have a coffee," as coffee is something to be expected at brunch time.  In such cases, I politely pointed them towards the drink list and explained that it's all espresso drinks.  Sometimes, people would reply, "just a regular coffee is fine."  Not to re-hash a cliche phrase, but... did I fucking stutter?

5. Hiding the Fact That You're Ready to Pay:

Check presenters are built with little slots in the top where the credit card pokes out, which signals to your server "I am ready to pay, you may take this check presenter away without seeming like you're rushing me."  If you don't use this, or if you're paying cash and don't show any of that cash sticking out of the top, I will not take your check away.  You need to let me know that you're ready.  Why do you want me to guess?  Do you enjoy the uncomfortable "is this all set, or do you need more time?" conversations?  I don't.

There will probably be another installment of these.

My Agnosticism

A few religious people have come into my life who, respectfully, are challenging my agnosticism.  It's difficult for me to argue with such people, particularly when they're people who I like, for a few reasons: a) I don't want to offend people who I like, or people who I want to succesfully persuade; b) they come from a different background and mindset than I do, and apply a different type of logic to things; c) people simply aren't usually interested in being persuaded, even when offered evidence that they are wrong about something.  It's too hard to admit.  Therefore, I want to spell out my beliefs on religion, theism, atheism, agnosticism, etc. right here.

Please remember, I'm no expert.  Just some dude with thoughts like any other blowhard on the Internet.  I will not debate specific religions as I have not read through the specific scriptures.  The intention of this is to explain things that are difficult to describe through quick conversations.

Theists easily write off the validity of saying "I don't know," which is my response to "how did we get here?" and "what's the meaning of life?"  I proudly state that I don't know, and neither do you.  The theist answers to such questions are "God put us here," and "we exist to serve Him."  These are not definitive answers.  If an answer to a question is unknown or unclear, it's not valid to just apply any possible answer.  I would ask "why do you assume it's this 'God' character, rather than something else? Maybe it's a Flying Spaghetti Monster."  If your eyes are closed and someone asks you how many fingers they are holding up, the correct response is "I have no way of knowing that."

Often, in their explanations, theists also attempt to respond to what they assume non-theists are thinking.  They often assume that a non-theist, such as myself, is thinking "I don't follow religion or believe in God because there is no scientific proof."  They then make arguments such as "have you ever seen George Washington? Just because you've never seen something doesn't mean it never existed."

True.  The only evidence we have of George Washington is in history books, documents, paintings, the dollar bill, museum artifacts, his home, and the existence of the American executive office.  Maybe it's an extraordinary hoax.  I guess I have to suspend that slight shred of disbelief.  Do I find that easier than suspending my disbelief about some varying books written centuries/millennia ago (about a being in the sky who has a son who magically heals the sick, turns a little bit of food into a lot of food, walks on water, then gets brutally murdered by Romans so that God will agree to invite us to heaven [huh?], and an old dude who brings millions of animals onto a really big boat he built, and another man who talks to a burning tree, and another man who's told by a voice in the sky to kill his son only to hear "just kidding lol" right before the moment of truth)? Yeah.  I do find it easier.  A lot easier.

There are videos on YouTube in which theists, of varying religions, attempt to offer "proof" of the existence of God.  They apply their own generalized and flawed logic to explain the creation of the universe.  I've seen one video in which a man says that both the universe and time have to have a beginning, an end, and a cause for creation. "Right?" - he baits the other guest.  And then the man says, "for me... that's irrefutable evidence there."  No it isn't.  It's easily refutable.  I'm refuting it right now by saying it might be something other than God.  "Right?"  Just because someone uses the words "proof" or "evidence" does not mean they are giving either of them.  They're being manipulative to those who are excited about agreeing with them.  Also, there are plenty of in-depth, well elaborated studies about time and the size of the universe, outside the realm of what this one guy just tried thinking up.

I don't really care to label myself an atheist, despite all of this.  Why bother labelling the things I don't believe?  Why not call myself "anti-unicorn-ist" too?  If I HAD to guess yes or no, I'd say there's PROBABLY not a magical dude in the sky, just like there PROBABLY aren't unicorns, but I guess either situation is possible.  The universe just seems too chaotic and random and pointless (which may bum you out, but that doesn't make it unfeasible).

One's personal sense of religion is most often born from both family and tradition, save outlying cases of religious conversion.  Religion is not based on inherent belief.  If an orphaned boy was born from an Orthodox Jewish family, and then adopted by a Shiite Muslim family who indoctrinated him, he would most likely be Shiite Muslim.  If that exact same child was adopted by an Episcopalian family, he would likely be Episcopalian.  If he was raised by atheists, he would most likely be atheist.  He wouldn't 'find the one true religion' even if he decided to search for his entire life, because that is an answer not given to anyone.  All religion is based on guesses, which vary greatly.  Millions of people can be wrong, because all the main religions have millions of followers.

My PROBLEM with these guesses is that they cause people to hate each other, affect personal freedoms, convince others of falsehoods, and sometimes commit mass murder.  This is why I am not only non-religious, but somewhat aggressively non-religious.  I see a lot of harm done in the name of something that, surprisingly, is based on a pretense of love.  All based on "my guess has to be the right one, and you're a bad person for guessing differently."

Most importantly, don't ignore scientific evidence of theories such as evolution and the big bang.  If you wish to apply God to these theories, that's your prerogative. Maybe there's a way that you can argue that God set these forces in motion.  If you want to argue that they're "only theories," though, then I hope you have a REALLY good argument against the theory of gravity.  You need to understand that the word 'theory' is completely different in the scientific realm than when we use it colloquially to describe when we have a hunch about something.

The earth is millions of years old.  There were dinosaurs.  There are fossils.  You can see them at museums.  I'm quite sure they aren't fake.

I like this video:

Marriage Equality

So, right now the Supreme Court is deliberating over whether or not gay marriage is legal/constitutional, so I've heard.  I'll be honest, I haven't really been keeping up with the details.  I assume they're deciding whether or not states, cities, or regions have the right to ban it or not, as it doesn't seem feasible for the Supreme Court to outright say gay marriage is legal or illegal.

This is kind of a no-brainer at this point.  Just because some people think it's icky or weird because their priest told them so doesn't mean they get to decide what other people can and can't do.  It's pretty odd that the country's right wingers seem to be the ones who are protesting people's right to marriage, since they're supposed to be all about small government and limited intrusion of freedoms.

It's none of your damn business.  Period.  You don't get to decide that it's illegal, whether you think it's weird or immoral or against god.  There are a lot of things in this country that are legal that I don't like too, such as country music.

A lot of people on Facebook right now are changing their profile pictures to pink equal signs, to show their support for marriage equality.  I think this is a very respectable action, but I don't really find it to be a respectful symbol.  Pink?  Really?  What does that imply?  I happen to have gay friends who are not effeminate and don't prance around.  I can't imagine they're big fans of this symbol.

This one looks better, in my opinion - it's less fluffy.

I Thinked A Funny

I just thought of a good idea for a brief comedy sketch, or perhaps new Reddit cartoon meme...


1. Take a ridiculous product I just saw on a commercial - the kind it looks like someone put little to no effort into thinking of, yet it will make millions.  Perhaps Taco Bell's new burrito with Doritos chips in it.


2. Show the board meeting where they're trying to think of a new idea.  The CEO will be all like "alright, so far we've done a taco with lettuce and cheese, a taco with lettuce and cheese and sour cream, a burrito with beef, cheese, and sour cream, a burrito with beef, cheese, reheated freeze-dried potatoes and sour cream,  a quesadilla with chicken, a flatbread quesadilla with chicken, a burrito with Fritos chips  in it... where do we go from here?"


3. Some goober raises his hand and says "maybe a burrito with Doritos chips in it."


4. The CEO looks at the goober guy, displays a contented smile, picks up a large bag with a $$$ sign on it, and hands it to the goober guy.  End sketch/cartoon.


I think that shit would be funny if it was a recurring thing.

Contraceptives and Cheeseburgers

What many people don't seem to understand about Rush Limbaugh is the fact that the occasional everyone-hates-him-even-more-now controversy is just more publicity for him.  Getting more listeners, for whatever reason, is good for his career.


Recently, everyone has been jumping all over Rush for making statements about a college aged girl, who, in front of Congress, advocated the covering of contraceptives under university health care.  Rush asserted that this equates to having her university pay for her to have lots of sex, making her a "slut."  He also made some comment inferring that he would consent to such coverage as long as he gets to watch.  Just thought I'd mention that.


It is Rush's right to say those kinds of things on the air.  I don't know if that's what the Constitution's founders quite expected when they wrote the First Amendment, but hey, times change I guess.  Conversely, it's my right to make negative statements about those who fall under his political/social affiliation, who seem to have dubbed him as some sort of a leader.  Conservatives, you chose him - I didn't choose him.


Bear in mind, I do not consider myself a liberal - I consider myself a common sense voter who just happens to have much more of a disdain for conservatives than for any other political demographic.

(Photo from newsone.com)

What I mainly want to get at is this - a message to the leader of the conservative party himself.  Rush, if you have an issue with a university or an employer "paying someone to have sex" in such a convoluted, indirect manner, then I, as a health-conscious person, have the right to say that I don't approve of your employer paying for you to smoke cigars and eat cheeseburgers.  I would imagine your future quadruple bypass will cost a lot more than a young woman's birth control prescription during the four years she's at a university.

"Catchy" and "True" Are Two Different Things

"Those Who Stand For Nothing Fall For Anything"


I saw that phrase written on a sign outside of a church in Newtown today.  Sounds kind of catchy - I'm sure plenty of people read it and went "wow, yeah, that's smart."  While I was driving, I analyzed this saying.


Presumably, when a church mentions "those who stand for nothing," they are referring to atheists and/or agnostics.  Saying that they "fall for anything" infers that such people are gullible, easily influenced, easily persuaded, etc.  


So, in other words, the phrase means "Atheists and agnostics are easily persuaded."


The reason people such as myself fall under the category "agnostic" is because we aren't easily persuaded.  If we were easily persuaded, we might believe in strange magical stories.  I once heard a story that asserts that humans are evil because a woman cloned from a human bone ate an apple (a snake told her to), and the only way mankind can be saved from being eternally pitchforked by a goatman (he was also the snake) is to pray to a zombie.  I wasn't persuaded.

I Respect You, But I Don't Respect Your Beliefs

WARNING: Before reading this post, be aware that those some may consider these ideas irreverent or offensive.  If you do not believe you should continue, then do not continue.

As someone who comes from very liberal parents (one Protestant by background, one Jewish by background), and some very conservative (and religious) extended family, I've developed what I consider to be a somewhat more-than-typically-nuanced social outlook.  My very liberal parents, in a leftist-reactionary manner, would probably proclaim that it is very important to respect and accept all religions.  To them, I might ask "why?"  Really, think about this question: why should I?

No society expects its members to respect every belief or every action of every person.  The majority of us don't respect the beliefs of gang members, violent criminals, white supremacists, radical cult members, terrorists, etc.  We do not respect these people's outlooks or opinions, because they are hateful, violent, or obsolete.  Religion is nothing more than a series of outlooks and beliefs too, but is held to different standard.  I believe it's because religion, usually, is old.  It's traditional.  It's historic.  We respect these concepts, even if meaninglessly so.

If there's one aspect of a person we SHOULD be permitted to display intolerance for, it should be their opinions and their actions.   Look at it this way: there is no reason to disrespect people based on race, sexual orientation, gender, hair color, height, physical disability, etc.  These are traits people are born with, without choice.  It's simply cowardly to hate people for these aspects - no room for debate.  And, as I stated, I don't have hatred for the actual people who choose to follow organized religions.  I have Catholic (or "Catholic Lite") friends and family, but I won't accept their religious tenets, just as they wouldn't accept all of my personal beliefs, opinions, or preferences.  This isn't a far cry from the fact that I absolutely hate country music, but still might have some friends who listen to it.

There are those who perceive themselves as practicing churchgoers/mosquegoers/templegoers/whatever, yet disconnect themselves from the mainstream or orthodox religious population.  There are Christians who call themselves liberal, there are Muslims who want nothing to do with Middle Eastern politics, and there are Jews who reject the self-righteous phrase "the chosen people."  These are kind, open-minded people trying to hang on to an aspect of their family history and their childhood, but clearly they know something is inherently wrong with the religions they follow.  Christianity does not permit picking and choosing which parts of the Bible are the most agreeable, and disregarding the entire Old Testament for being too mean and scary.  There ought to come a time when these people just accept what they need to accept, and leave religion behind them.

I do have to confess, this post is somewhat reactionary.  In part, this was inspired by the rhetoric of some of the GOP presidential candidates, all of whom are idiots (even Ron Paul, who seems likeable as long as you don't delve too deep).  In part, it was also inspired by the recent deaths in Afghanistan, which served as a retaliation for the accidental burning of a few Kurans.  I can barely wrap my head around it: taking innocent lives to compensate for the burning of useless pieces of paper.  There is little doubt in my mind that more than 99% of Muslims probably agree with me that this is an abomination, and yet another unnecessary, ugly scar on the face of Islam.  But there is also little doubt in my mind that the world would be a better place if every follower, peaceful and otherwise, gave it up like a drug.

Sorry I Didn't Call You Back

I'm a 27 year old who lives with his parents, works as a waiter, makes about 25k a year, and listens to metal.  What do you want to talk to me about?


I persistently forget to call people back, text people back, email people.  I have family members who want to keep in touch with me and know what I'm up to.  I have friends I haven't seen in a year or two who want to re-establish their friendships with me.  They're probably all wondering why I neglect to get back to them.


The truth is, I don't have a lot to say.  Nothing has changed recently.  I still do the same things, I still live at home, I still have no career path, and I still haven't done anything artistically extraordinary.  My family members don't want to hear about the metal show I'm excited about going to next month.  They also don't want to discuss religion or politics with me, as I can't stand religion and I don't lean right the same way much of my family does.


My girlfriend is in the same boat.  She's also a restaurant server, she hasn't really had much luck finding auditions or doing any singing/acting, and she lives with her parents too.  She and I spend a lot of time just watching cooking shows together, very occasionally going out to eat and have drinks, or seeing the few friends who have a lot in common with us.  We just aren't exciting people.


Many of my old friends have decent jobs, live with their spouses (some married, some not), go on exciting vacations, etc.  What am I going to tell them about?  A lot of them are into beer and cooking and stuff the same way I am, but how long can we hold a conversation about things we like to ingest?  I guess I can talk music with some of them, but it usually just turns into each of us trying to one-up each other, or wait for the other person to finish talking about a band I don't care about so I can tell them about a band they don't care about.


A friend of mine contacted me a month or two ago saying I should call him back and plan a visit.  He lives in NYC and makes a lot of money.  Taking a weekend off is kind of a big deal in my profession, and I can't just neglect to make money every time a friend or relative wants me to visit them - especially considering how little money I make even if I take no time off.  Don't get me wrong, in my job I can make a lot of money in a short amount of time.  However, those short amounts of time are few and far between.


So, I'm sorry if you haven't heard from me lately.  I'll try to get back to you, but don't expect to have your mind blown.

Newspapers, Mom, Media, Trolls

My mom has been working in the newspaper business for most of my life.  At work, she edits news.  At home, she watches news.  In the car, she listens to the news.  On the weekends, she reads the New York Times.


I guess I'm similar with cooking and beer.  At work, I serve people food and drinks.  At home, I cook and come up with recipes.  On my nights off, I like to have beer with my friends.


However, I am certainly noticing the disparity between my mom's generation and my generation.  Take my brother and I, for example.  We're people of the Internet age.  While my parents certainly use computers and the Internet a lot (my mom is at a computer all day), we absorb the world differently.


My brother and I have trouble understanding newspapers, though we certainly recognize our mother's passion and interest for her medium.  For us, all the information we could ever need comes shooting out of a thin box with a screen attached to it.  So when my mom talks about how much she loves the New York Times because there's something in it for everyone, I can't help but think to myself "but if you want to know about something, why not just hop online and use Google?"


Perhaps this will incite an inflammatory response from those who think technological advancement and digital media are somehow tarnishing the art of reporting, the art of writing, etc.  Or that these phenomena are over-saturating people with information, making it more difficult to vet through what's reliable and unreliable, what's substantial and what's "fluff."  In my opinion, these are probably the same people who think that Amazon Kindle is a bad invention because it makes physical books obsolete, despite the fact that it reduces paper waste and clutter, and allows consumers to obtain more books without spending a fortune.


Seriously, books are unnecessarily expensive.  The printing press has been around for a LONG time.


As usual, I've digressed.  The bombardment of information we receive in the digital age is difficult for me to make judgement on.  On one hand, people should be abundantly knowledgeable about their world, about the things they purchase, the people they vote for, the religions they follow, etc.  On the other hand, people's capability to get any information they want at their fingertips has made everyone a critic.  Not everyone should be a critic.  When everyone becomes a critic, trolls are born:

"I've never played a guitar or studied music before, but I'm pretty sure John Petrucci is over-rated," says Trollface.

What is there to be so critical about?  The world, while certainly trashy depending on where you look, is pretty unbelievable.  There's a lot we take for granted.  We are able to watch videos and access information and talk to other people any time we want.  That's pretty amazing!  Hell, it's pretty amazing that if we want to go to another part of the world, we're able to hop into a machine with wheels attached to it that can shoot us across paths ten times faster than we can run.  Maybe more, I'm not sure how fast the average person can run.  Or we can get access to a machine that FLIES IN THE SKY.  How are we not impressed by this???  Even simple things are amazing.  If it's the middle of winter and we want ripe, delicious heirloom tomatoes, we just hop in our wheeled machines and buy some in a convenient, well-stocked, heated building.


 Still, I even hypocritically find myself getting mad when my Internet is slow.  And when I say mad, I mean kind of indignant.  How dare the computer try to think about something else other than what I'm commanding it to think about.  Every time I try to click on a video, and the computer does that thirty second "hold on, I need a minute here" freeze, my outrage is unparalleled.  "I don't fucking care about a McAfee update right now!  You do what I click on you to do!"  Seriously though, the people at Windows, iTunes, and McAfee could take a break every once in a while.  Enough updates, says this troll.


I think I'm done talking.