The Low-Carb Bread Generation

America has a diet problem, which is no secret.  We've all read and listened to the reasons why, regarding our sedentary lifestyles and traditions of over-consumption.  And of course, there are those who have certain health conditions which stunt metabolism, etc. etc.  My question is: does mainstream America tackle these issues correctly?  Are weird diets the answer?  Is low-carb bread the answer?


No.  Bread is a carbohydrate-based product, so what the hell is low-carb bread made out of?  Air?  Granted, I am a relatively thin Atkins-hating person who loves bread and pasta.  This makes me a target for people who have issues losing weight: "Easy for you to say, Nick!"  I get it.  But, I can't even count how often most of these people neglect to eat REAL FOOD.  Which, of course, would require COOKING REAL FOOD.  As in, buying vegetables and cheeses and breads and meats and cooking them, rather than just opening a can with the word "Diet" stamped on it, or throwing a plastic pouch of nothing in the microwave.


One of the biggest problems, as I see it, is that a great majority of foods consumed in modern western civilization (okay, mostly just America) are synthesized, processed, and have a list of ingredients that could fill an encyclopedia.  Imagine how hard our bodies have to work to break down all those ingredients and preservatives and chemicals.


Another problem is American body image.  Just because someone isn't rail thin does not mean they aren't in good health.  If your body has a certain frame, you might not be meant to be rail thin even if you're in great health.  You don't need to be a freaky Calvin Klein model.  Yes, the modeling industry prefers to hire girls whose ribs jut through their T-shirts, but I will guarantee that most normal, straight guys are attracted to girls with some more curve to them.


Getting back to the point... our bodies are designed to process foods as they come from the earth.  Overcooked and over-processed foods are a phenomenon of our civilization, not a phenomenon that occurs in nature.


That being said, there are good things that don't occur in "nature" (and vice versa, of course).  Synthesized medicine doesn't occur in nature.  Would I advise a person not to ever take medicine?  Of course not - that's idiotic.  On the other hand, would I advise someone to pop pills all day long?  No, but I think that makes a reasonable analogy for American food consumption.  Even I don't have the patience to eat raw, organic superfoods all day long.  Still, I sure as hell wouldn't avoid them completely and eat nothing but processed, empty calorie garbage (even if it is low-calorie "Diet" garbage).

Multi-grain bread image from www.saidaonline.com

Maybe the answer to a healthy lifestyle, and to weight loss, is not low-carb bread.  Maybe it's whole wheat and mult-grain bread, made the real way, with carbs intact.  Perhaps the best thing to do is eat complex carbohydrate foods earlier in the day, or before physical activity.  It's possible that the best thing to do after eating a meal is anything but watching TV or taking a nap.


Obviously I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist.  So if you talk to either of them, by all means, ask them what they think.  See if they disagree with what I say.  And eat some real damn bread.

Tomato Enchilada Sauce: The Mexican Marinara

Here's how to translate that previous recipe into a Mexican spiced sauce, perfect for cheese enchiladas.


YOU WILL NEED:
One 14 oz can of organic tomatoes (diced or whatever, you'll blend them anyway)
One 6 oz can plain tomato sauce
One hot chili of your liking
Three cloves garlic
1 tsp red wine vinegar
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp paprika
1 heaped tsp oregano
1/2 tsp agave nectar
Pinch of hot smoked paprika (or blend of cayenne and regular smoked paprika)


WHAT YOU'LL DO
1. Pour diced tomatoes into a food processor with garlic and chili pepper.  Blend until fairly smooth.
2. Pour mixture into a saucepan, on medium heat.
3. Add everything else.
4. Simmer for a while, reducing the heat after it starts bubbling.  Let it go for a good 20 minutes to tame the raw garlic.
5. Use for enchiladas.

I like to take non-hard corn tortillas, soften them in the microwave for a minute, then just roll them all up around a small amount of cheese (sharp cheddar or pepperjack are pretty classic, though I bet goat cheese with pine nuts or something would be really kickass).  


Smear some olive oil in a pan, lay down each roll so they're not too much up against each other, and drizzle a bit more olive oil ontop.  


Bake at 375 for about 10-15 minutes, just until cheese is melted and tortillas get crisped.  


When ready to serve, take three or four enchiladas in a dish, and generously pour sauce over them.  Wait a few minutes to serve so that the sauce lightly softens the crunchy tortillas.  They should be pleasantly crisp but soft enough to cut easily.

How To Make Delicious Pasta Sauce in Twenty Minutes

That antiquated scene of grandma simmering tomato sauce on the back of the stove for six hours is cute and all, but if you're not starting with perfectly ripened tomatoes from your garden, there's no need to spend all day on sauce.  Find a good brand of organic crushed tomatoes, or tomatoes labeled "San Marzano" (which is a region, not a brand), plus a few choice herbs and spices - you'll be good to go.


Here's how I do a batch:


INGREDIENTS:
Two 28 oz. cans crushed tomatoes
Three cloves fresh minced garlic
One tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
Olive oil
A dash of red pepper flakes (to taste)
About half a cup fine chopped parsley (or parsley/basil mix)
Handful of grated Pecorino Romano


STEPS:
1. Put saucepan just above medium heat.
2. Drizzle in a shallow layer of olive oil, throw in garlic and red pepper flakes.  Simmer until garlic is just starting to turn golden and aromatic (not brown and burnt!).
3. Pour in crushed tomatoes, plus salt, black pepper, and parsley.
4. Once bubbling, reduce heat to simmer.  Let it go for about ten minutes, stirring occasionally.
5. Turn heat off, add Pecorino Romano, stir up.  Serve with SPAGETT!

Vince's Wedding

On Saturday, my very good friends Vince and Meg got married in upstate NY.  It was a fantastic weekend.  And I confess, I was grumbling about it before I went up.  I wasn't really looking forward to being a groomsman again, for various reasons.  Somehow, though, I had a great time... you win, Vince!


Tuxedos.  I've never been a fan.  Suits look good; tuxedos look penguiny.  People get to keep suits; people usually have to rent tuxes.  Gotta admit though, Meg did a damn good job picking out classy looking tuxes, with silvery-grey ties and vests.


Long religious ceremonies.  Not my thing.  Still, the wedding was beautiful, and it was an honor to be standing alongside my friends as they took the plunge.  And it was funny as hell sitting with my other groomsmen friends as three of them kept flasks of bourbon in their tux pockets throughout the day.

Face yellowed for anonymity.  Maybe I should have picked another color.

Long drives.  Frustrating as hell.  Despite the drive being about 6.5 hours, it was actually pretty easy and mostly traffic-free.  Having Lauryn in the car made it go by pleasantly.  On the way home, we listened to all the Symphony X albums I have; she doesn't like all of my crazy music, but she seems to like them.


An extra day between the rehearsal dinner and the wedding.  More money to spend and more time to ask off from work.  In all honesty though, I'm glad they did it.  I was able to see my friends more, I was able to spend more time with Lauryn in an awesome hotel, and that extra day happened to be sunny and perfect for hanging outside at a local park.


Having members of the wedding party separated from their dates.  That pissed me off, at first.  After the wedding, we went to do pictures while our dates were essentially in limbo.  Turns out, Lauryn and a couple of the other guys' girlfriends hung out at the hotel bar having drinks and becoming better acquainted.  Well done.  But then we were at separate tables at dinner.  I was not happy about that... at first.  But, I gotta admit, it was cool to be at a long VIP-style table elevated on a platform.  I felt like I was at a roast or something.  And I was able to get up at my leisure to see Lauryn.


The lesson is, sometimes friends annoy you or let you down... but have faith in Vince.  Good old Vince.

On White Ales

Up until a year or two ago, I was convinced that I didn't like any type of wheat beer: hefeweizen, Berliner-weiss, white ale, weizenbock, you name it.  Recently, I've grown to like wheat beers quite a lot actually.  In the summer time, I particularly like white ales... 


Now let me ask a question: What beer are you thinking of right now as I say the phrase "Belgian White Ale"?


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Don't look down there, I'm giving you time to think...
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Blue Moon, right?  Everyone knows Blue Moon "Belgian" White Ale.  Well, how about that.  The only white ale that most Americans even know exists just so happens to be the second lamest one (the lamest one, in my opinion, being Shock Top, which is also a popular one).  And why does everyone only know about the two lamest ones?  Because one of them (Blue Moon) is made by Coors Brewing Company and the other one (Shock Top) is made by Anheuser-Busch.


Marketing has allowed craft breweries and shit breweries alike to describe a beer as being from a particular country even if it's not, just because it pertains to a particular style borne from said country.  That's fine by me, as long as they're doing justice to these traditional styles.  Blue Moon does not do much justice to the style of Belgian white ale, in my opinion.  And no everyone, it's not actually a Belgian beer... it's a bastardized version of a "Belgian-style" beer - the white ale, or witbier.  There are  better ones out there.


Anyone ever hear of Wittekerke white ale?  That one's actually from Belgium, and it's pretty decent.  Hoegaarden, another very good white ale, is actually from Belgium too; fortunately, it happens to be reasonably popular.  Unfortunately, it was bought by Anheuser-Busch InBev in 2005.

Southampton "Double White" ale is an American take on the style, and gets an A- rating from Beer Advocate.  That's a damn good rating for a white ale, which honestly is a style that is somewhat shrugged off amidst beer snobbery.  The same score is given to Allagash White Ale, another American beer brewed in the Belgian style.  Ommegang "Witte" was given a B+ rating, which is also quite good.  New York's Ommegang brewery specializes in flavorful, authentic Belgian-style beers.


So what should a good white ale taste like?  Crisp and refreshing, with a pronounced bready/yeasty kick, a lemon/citrus tang, and often a bit of herbal flavor (almost chamomile-like even).  Not usually particularly hoppy.  Traditional white ales, by definition, are light-malt wheat beers brewed with some orange zest and coriander.


American craft breweries are fantastic artisans; don't let the massive macro-breweries tarnish the phrase "American beer" for you.  This summer, try some of the better white ales out there.

Image taken from http://beertalking.wordpress.com/2008/09/07/

On Sports Fanaticism

Having never been the competitive type, I've never gotten that into sports myself.  Still, I think they're a great form of exercise and recreation, and they're great in teaching kids cooperation, coordination, and all kinds of other skills.

But why do people go so nuts over professional sports teams?  Why do sports fans act as though they passionately HATE every member of every team other than their own arbitrarily chosen favorite?  In fact, why does anyone care who wins any game ever?

Perhaps a person's family all loves the Jets.  OK... Who the hell cares? Does that person listen to the same music as their parents do too?

Maybe someone loves the Yankees because they're born and raised in New York.  Yet, that person will probably tell you that they hate the Mets.  Not to mention, the players could be hired from anywhere in the United States.

Do the Mets have a different "style" than the Yankees?  I kind of doubt it.  I think both their styles are "play baseball very well."

Of course, Mets and Yankees fans will all agree that both teams are better than the Red Sox.  What about in 2004 when the Red Sox won the World Series?  Did all the Mets and Yankees fans say, "well clearly the Red Sox were better this year, so I like them now"?  Nope.  Clearly, all professional baseball teams have very skilled baseball players.

Let's say a citizen of Brazil goes raving mad over the results of an Olympic soccer game (which would probably happen regardless of whether Brazil won or lost, for some reason).  Does that team kicking around a ball, competing against a handful of people kicking from another country trying to take the ball away to kick it in another direction, really represent Brazil and its pride/masculinity?

OK, is it whoever's uniform looks the coolest?

Do most of us have friends on any professional team?

Are girls picking whichever team they think has the hawttest guyz?

Are dudes picking whichever team they secretly think has the hawttest guyz?

The only reason I can think of to even remotely give a shit who wins or loses any professional sports game EVER is if I get a share of a team member's yearly salary.  And the only reason professional football and baseball players "earn" millions of dollars a year from a job description like Going Outside to Play is because fans actually accept to pay hundreds of dollars for front row tickets and 13 dollars for a hot dog and a cup of cheap piss beer.  To watch grown men go outside and play.  Even if I was into sports, I think I'd boycott it based on price alone.